First Day EVER alone

Today is the first day EVER that I have been without any kids.  I have been without them before for a few hours but never a whole day.  I actually have 4 whole days alone.  It has been twelve years since I have had this kind of time on my hands.  So far today I have checked on Facebook, pinned on Pinterest, updated my Facebook status, started a letter, looked at school curriculum, had a cup of coffee, talked with my son, and now posting on my blog.  What a busy day so far.  I think I might get some fabric and work on a quilt, or some Christmas presents.  So far, I am enjoying my "vacation", but it is such a drop off from the last couple of weeks at 100 miles per hour.  I kinda thought I would have more to right about.  Since I don't, I guess I will have to try to find something more exciting to do........

Remembering Cancer

Yesterday I had an oncologist appointment.  I have been visiting with them for 7 total years.  Yesterday they told me I am 5 years cancer free.  Not only is this good news, but they also said I do not have to get the dreaded CT scan this year, or any other year.  I will only need to have my alphabet soup done once a year when I visit the oncs.  This is wonderful, glorious news!  It is almost hard to believe that just 5 years ago I was getting horrible news.  I was so worried about my hair falling out.  Oh, the lessons the Lord has taught me, and how much He has grown me in these last five years.  I was reading the book "Lies Women Believe, and the Truth That Sets Them Free".  It was a wonderful book.  I got the news just two weeks before the 4th of July.  I remember that they called me on a Friday and told me that my results were in, but they wanted me to wait until Monday.  Can you believe that they just wanted me to sit an wait?  God must be preparing me for a lot of waiting in later years, because he is giving me a lot of chances to "perfect" that quality.  They did let me know before Monday.  I am glad they did, because it would have been a miserable weekend.  They told me that the lymph node they biopsied showed signs of being the same cancer they had found previously.  They told me that I would need chemo.  The first thing I remember asking them was "will I loose my hair?".  Why was that so important?  I think that like every other woman, we are very attached to our womanhood.  Two years previously I had a hysterectomy at the age of 27.  I was probably still dealing with that and adjusting in my own way.  I wasn't ready for this.  I remember crying, and crying, and crying.  I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.  I think I set the phone down for a minute.  I don't remember now whether I was done talking to the doctor or not.  I remember going to the chair where my husband was napping and trying to wake him.  I was crying so hard I couldn't even get the words out to tell him what the doctor said.  Somehow he must have understood my babbling and whining.  I think that he picked up the phone and talked to the doctor.  I know that he called my mom.  She came over.  In fact, she was over so quickly, the Flash would have been jealous.

It wasn't until she got there that I was aware of one reason I was hit so hard by the news.  I remember her asking me "Do you think it is going to be like Grandma?".  I grew up watching my grandma be sick.  I probably remember her being sick with cancer, more than not.  I would walk to the hospital after school to sit in the waiting room while Mom was visiting her.  I remembered her dancing with her dancing partner as she walked around her little room, or down the hall.  I can still see her putting on her jeans and dancing to "Tight Fittin' Jeans".  I remember her hair thinning.  I can remember seeing a wig in the closet of her hospital room, but don't recall ever seeing her wear it.  I remember her trachea.  I probably thought it was gross at the time.  I remember that when she would cough, I would want to cry.  I remember being in 6th grade and helping the 1st graders with Spanish.  When we were going to the first grade room, someone from the office stopped me and asked me where my mom was at.  I told them that she was in Columbus at the College.  Mom would always bring her school books to the hospital and study while Grandma was resting.  I am not sure where she found all her time to study.  I went through the rest of my school day, without another thought.  Then after school I remember Mom picking us up.  This didn't happen very often as far as I can remember.  We lived close enough that we usually walked home or to the hospital. That is when we found out that Grandma had passed.  I think the funeral was just a couple days later.  I remember very little about those days.  I have tried many times to remember what happened, but even then it was all a blur.  I vaguely remember going to look at caskets.  Also, I remember visiting the funeral home while my mom, aunts, and uncles, were deciding on the obituary wording.  I remember hearing Mrs. Coffin sing at the funeral.  I don't remember what her coffin looked like.  I don't remember seeing her in the coffin.  I am sure she didn't look right.  I remember that I was very sad.  I was probably very mad.

I think that when I found out I needed to have chemo, all those emotions came back up.  I didn't want my kids to see me the way that I saw my grandma.  Looking back now, I was probably a little selfish in my thinking, but it was emotional.  I know that God does everything for a reason.  I probably will never know all the impact that my grandma had on other people as she struggled through.  I remember her being very strong, and never giving up, even when the diagnosis was bad.  She was never bitter about the hand that she was dealt.  And if she was, I never knew.  Was she upset?  She was human, so I would assume that she was.  But, she always seemed to love the life she had.  My mom assured me that my cancer was not the same, that they found it early, that it would be different for me.  I cried some more.  At some point I put on my big girl panties, and decided that I would see it differently.  I still didn't want to go to treatment some days.  More than a couple days I had to pray for strength to go.  I had others pray with me and for me.  Looking back now, I can say it made me a stronger better person.  It also brought me so much closer to the Lord.  Without Him, my whole situation would have been different.  I remember that I had asked my Bible Study to pray that I would learn to really trust the Lord.  This was just a couple weeks before I got the news.  How true it is that the Lord will not just give you what you ask for.  He will give you a chance to develop what you ask for.  He could have just given me trust in Him.  Instead, He walked with me through one of the hardest things I would ever go through.  At times He even carried me.  I am so thankful for the lesson He taught me.  I would gladly go kicking and screaming through this again, if it is what God calls me to do, knowing that He is with me the whole time.

Bugs in the Garden/Baseball

It is already July 2011, and I can't believe how quickly the summer has gone.  A lot of first time things have been going on, but the one most fresh on my mind is Ty and baseball.  He decided this year that he wanted to go out for baseball.  There were 15 boys between 10 and 12/13 on his team.  Being from a small town, that is a big team.  Since we have been traveling and seeing the country a lot, this is his first year ever playing ball.  A lot of kids on the team have been playing for quite some time.  They started in T-ball and went through coach pitch and now are pretty efficient fast pitchers.  Ty didn't get a lot of time in the games, but he improved more each time.  He had a lot to learn in just a couple of months.  Next year most of the starters will move up to the next level and that will leave more room for the rest of the boys to get more game time and improve.  Last night was the final game of the season.  We had three straight nights of games for the tournament.  The games got tougher and tougher.  Their final opponent was Gresham.  This was the first team that they played against in regular season.  It was a close game right down to the last inning.  The score was tied at the bottom of the sixth.  The bases were loaded.  We needed just one base hit to win the game.  After what I am sure was a "no pressure" talk from the coach at the dugout, he steps up to bat.  The bat connects with the ball and he could have brought them all home.  When the third base runner crossed the plate, the entire team came out of the dugout and onto the field.  It was the best game of the season.  I didn't even like baseball until Ty started playing.  Now, I am really hoping that he plays again next year.  He got two medals last night.  One for first place in the tournament, and the other for first place in the regular season.  His team was undefeated all season.  I just wish Ty would have gotten more time in to play.

I did learn a lot watching the games this year.  Some quite commical and others just informational for next time.

1. Goodeye:  means that the batter didn't swing and the umpire called a ball.  You might think it is two words    but really it sounds like just one.
2. If you don't know the players name, it is perfectly acceptable to use the number on his jersey in place of his name.  ei. If you don't know the name of the player with a 26 on his jersey you would say,  "Way to go two six"  
3. "Give it a ride" does not mean get on your bike, but instead is called from the stand or encouraging team mates to let the batter know that they would like him to hit the ball with his bat.
4. "Make some music"  I heard this one for the first time last night, but it basically means the same as #3
5. Sunflower seeds are very important, and might be considered a meal as long as you can get a hot dog from the concession stand for dessert.
6. Lawn chairs are way more comfortable than bleachers.  
7. If it is a night game or late in the evening remember to bring a blanket or sweatshirt to fight the chill.
8. I really have no idea what the problem is with the coach when he stands by third base....but I am not the only one that notices.  Apparently the team is concerned because when they get up to bat they look at him to make sure he is ok, then nod and go to the plate.  No words are exchanged, but apparently the team realizes that the coach will be ok.
9. After a game one night I figured out number 8, I think.  I was trying to weed the garden some and there were bugs and before I knew it, I looked like the third base coach.  I was swatting at my arms and legs and head.  I don't know if a batter could have walked by and known that I was ok or not.  Maybe they need to spray a little something around third base.  Although, it doesn't seem to affect the runners.  Maybe they aren't there long enough to be bothered?
10. Just this moment, my 11 year old informed me that there is not a bug infestation on third base, and that you only have to know about 4 signals that the coach is giving.  They make it look so complicated to confuse the other team.....and me.  LOL
11. The cage behind home plate is just a simple suggestion to the ball.  I can't say that I blame that ball for wanting to get out of the game so bad.  It gets thrown at over 30 miles and hour, gets hit by a bat, flies through the air again, and gets caught or rolled around in the dirt.  That doesn't sound fun to me.  
12. If a child happens to "capture" one of these escape balls, they are able to turn it in for the reward of a small piece of bubble gum.