Yesterday I had an oncologist appointment. I have been visiting with them for 7 total years. Yesterday they told me I am 5 years cancer free. Not only is this good news, but they also said I do not have to get the dreaded CT scan this year, or any other year. I will only need to have my alphabet soup done once a year when I visit the oncs. This is wonderful, glorious news! It is almost hard to believe that just 5 years ago I was getting horrible news. I was so worried about my hair falling out. Oh, the lessons the Lord has taught me, and how much He has grown me in these last five years. I was reading the book "Lies Women Believe, and the Truth That Sets Them Free". It was a wonderful book. I got the news just two weeks before the 4th of July. I remember that they called me on a Friday and told me that my results were in, but they wanted me to wait until Monday. Can you believe that they just wanted me to sit an wait? God must be preparing me for a lot of waiting in later years, because he is giving me a lot of chances to "perfect" that quality. They did let me know before Monday. I am glad they did, because it would have been a miserable weekend. They told me that the lymph node they biopsied showed signs of being the same cancer they had found previously. They told me that I would need chemo. The first thing I remember asking them was "will I loose my hair?". Why was that so important? I think that like every other woman, we are very attached to our womanhood. Two years previously I had a hysterectomy at the age of 27. I was probably still dealing with that and adjusting in my own way. I wasn't ready for this. I remember crying, and crying, and crying. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I think I set the phone down for a minute. I don't remember now whether I was done talking to the doctor or not. I remember going to the chair where my husband was napping and trying to wake him. I was crying so hard I couldn't even get the words out to tell him what the doctor said. Somehow he must have understood my babbling and whining. I think that he picked up the phone and talked to the doctor. I know that he called my mom. She came over. In fact, she was over so quickly, the Flash would have been jealous.
It wasn't until she got there that I was aware of one reason I was hit so hard by the news. I remember her asking me "Do you think it is going to be like Grandma?". I grew up watching my grandma be sick. I probably remember her being sick with cancer, more than not. I would walk to the hospital after school to sit in the waiting room while Mom was visiting her. I remembered her dancing with her dancing partner as she walked around her little room, or down the hall. I can still see her putting on her jeans and dancing to "Tight Fittin' Jeans". I remember her hair thinning. I can remember seeing a wig in the closet of her hospital room, but don't recall ever seeing her wear it. I remember her trachea. I probably thought it was gross at the time. I remember that when she would cough, I would want to cry. I remember being in 6th grade and helping the 1st graders with Spanish. When we were going to the first grade room, someone from the office stopped me and asked me where my mom was at. I told them that she was in Columbus at the College. Mom would always bring her school books to the hospital and study while Grandma was resting. I am not sure where she found all her time to study. I went through the rest of my school day, without another thought. Then after school I remember Mom picking us up. This didn't happen very often as far as I can remember. We lived close enough that we usually walked home or to the hospital. That is when we found out that Grandma had passed. I think the funeral was just a couple days later. I remember very little about those days. I have tried many times to remember what happened, but even then it was all a blur. I vaguely remember going to look at caskets. Also, I remember visiting the funeral home while my mom, aunts, and uncles, were deciding on the obituary wording. I remember hearing Mrs. Coffin sing at the funeral. I don't remember what her coffin looked like. I don't remember seeing her in the coffin. I am sure she didn't look right. I remember that I was very sad. I was probably very mad.
I think that when I found out I needed to have chemo, all those emotions came back up. I didn't want my kids to see me the way that I saw my grandma. Looking back now, I was probably a little selfish in my thinking, but it was emotional. I know that God does everything for a reason. I probably will never know all the impact that my grandma had on other people as she struggled through. I remember her being very strong, and never giving up, even when the diagnosis was bad. She was never bitter about the hand that she was dealt. And if she was, I never knew. Was she upset? She was human, so I would assume that she was. But, she always seemed to love the life she had. My mom assured me that my cancer was not the same, that they found it early, that it would be different for me. I cried some more. At some point I put on my big girl panties, and decided that I would see it differently. I still didn't want to go to treatment some days. More than a couple days I had to pray for strength to go. I had others pray with me and for me. Looking back now, I can say it made me a stronger better person. It also brought me so much closer to the Lord. Without Him, my whole situation would have been different. I remember that I had asked my Bible Study to pray that I would learn to really trust the Lord. This was just a couple weeks before I got the news. How true it is that the Lord will not just give you what you ask for. He will give you a chance to develop what you ask for. He could have just given me trust in Him. Instead, He walked with me through one of the hardest things I would ever go through. At times He even carried me. I am so thankful for the lesson He taught me. I would gladly go kicking and screaming through this again, if it is what God calls me to do, knowing that He is with me the whole time.
It wasn't until she got there that I was aware of one reason I was hit so hard by the news. I remember her asking me "Do you think it is going to be like Grandma?". I grew up watching my grandma be sick. I probably remember her being sick with cancer, more than not. I would walk to the hospital after school to sit in the waiting room while Mom was visiting her. I remembered her dancing with her dancing partner as she walked around her little room, or down the hall. I can still see her putting on her jeans and dancing to "Tight Fittin' Jeans". I remember her hair thinning. I can remember seeing a wig in the closet of her hospital room, but don't recall ever seeing her wear it. I remember her trachea. I probably thought it was gross at the time. I remember that when she would cough, I would want to cry. I remember being in 6th grade and helping the 1st graders with Spanish. When we were going to the first grade room, someone from the office stopped me and asked me where my mom was at. I told them that she was in Columbus at the College. Mom would always bring her school books to the hospital and study while Grandma was resting. I am not sure where she found all her time to study. I went through the rest of my school day, without another thought. Then after school I remember Mom picking us up. This didn't happen very often as far as I can remember. We lived close enough that we usually walked home or to the hospital. That is when we found out that Grandma had passed. I think the funeral was just a couple days later. I remember very little about those days. I have tried many times to remember what happened, but even then it was all a blur. I vaguely remember going to look at caskets. Also, I remember visiting the funeral home while my mom, aunts, and uncles, were deciding on the obituary wording. I remember hearing Mrs. Coffin sing at the funeral. I don't remember what her coffin looked like. I don't remember seeing her in the coffin. I am sure she didn't look right. I remember that I was very sad. I was probably very mad.
I think that when I found out I needed to have chemo, all those emotions came back up. I didn't want my kids to see me the way that I saw my grandma. Looking back now, I was probably a little selfish in my thinking, but it was emotional. I know that God does everything for a reason. I probably will never know all the impact that my grandma had on other people as she struggled through. I remember her being very strong, and never giving up, even when the diagnosis was bad. She was never bitter about the hand that she was dealt. And if she was, I never knew. Was she upset? She was human, so I would assume that she was. But, she always seemed to love the life she had. My mom assured me that my cancer was not the same, that they found it early, that it would be different for me. I cried some more. At some point I put on my big girl panties, and decided that I would see it differently. I still didn't want to go to treatment some days. More than a couple days I had to pray for strength to go. I had others pray with me and for me. Looking back now, I can say it made me a stronger better person. It also brought me so much closer to the Lord. Without Him, my whole situation would have been different. I remember that I had asked my Bible Study to pray that I would learn to really trust the Lord. This was just a couple weeks before I got the news. How true it is that the Lord will not just give you what you ask for. He will give you a chance to develop what you ask for. He could have just given me trust in Him. Instead, He walked with me through one of the hardest things I would ever go through. At times He even carried me. I am so thankful for the lesson He taught me. I would gladly go kicking and screaming through this again, if it is what God calls me to do, knowing that He is with me the whole time.
